PSA: Let Me Tell You How To Talk To Your Kids

Hello dear viewers,

Please pull out your notebooks and pens this evening, we’re going to go over a very important topic for parents by a non-parent. Go ahead, roll your eyes now

Trust me though, this is very important, and I think you’ll get a chuckle out of it.

This happened a month or two ago [OMG I’M SORRY I HAVEN’T TOLD YOU YET STOP YELLING AT ME I’VE BEEN PROCRASTINATING BUSY!!!]
Any who, this happened a month or two ago at the store. CoCo and I were innocently doing random candy experiments working when this woman came in with her 4ish year old daughter. Being as excited as a kid in the candy store

and her mom was trying to “fake threat” her into behaving. Remember my warning about fake threats and your kid turing into the next Kim Jong Il? Well this one may not have frightened the kid to do good, but it has forever opened a spot for me in the insane asylum for the terror it has brought on to me.

Instead of telling her little girl she wouldn’t get her candy, or she’d have to work at the store to pay her debt off, she said the following:
CrazyMother: Look here Angelina Jolie, if you don’t stop running around and trying to get into all the candy bins, these nice ladies are going to eat you

Disclaimer: All real names in this reenactment were changed for the safety of the pygmy elephants and their families

CoCo and I looked at each other. OMG Y’ALL the woman told her daughter that some random stranger chicks were going to EAT HER. E.A.T. H.E.R.

Y’all. Seriously. Who says that to a child? Of all things to fake threat with, I never thought I’d hear cannibalism and I never thought, as a stranger to the threatened party, I’d be the cannibal. As the woman was paying for her candy, she tried to make matters worse better by explaining to us that this little girl’s aunt is pregnant and that is how she explained the baby inside the mommy’s tummy. OH.MY.GOD. WOMAN! YOU TOLD YOUR DAUGHTER SHE WAS BORN BY YOU EATING HER? At that minute I knew I had to play along because I was on Candid Camera or something. ARE YOU CEREAL? ARE YOU SUPER DUPER CEREAL?

So I plead to all of you with wee little ankle biters. Please for the love of all that is holy and right with Arthur Fonzerelli do not tell your children you ate them when they were infants and PLEASE do not tell them that random people in stores will eat them if they don’t behave. I never back down from a promise, and that old broad from Hansel and Gretel told me the meat tastes like chicken…

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