Can We Pause Reality

for just a bit and talk about the worse acting known to man reality tv shows? More to the point, reality tv dating shows. A little more specific, reality tv dating shows that consist of celebrities.

I don’t think the cause of these atrocities are weather related so we can’t add another mark to “global warming”

so what draws these d-list, “I thought they died?” celebrities to find their extra 15 minutes of fame their one true love on national television?

I think I’ve made a scientific breakthrough. You may as well start lining up to take pictures with my and my nobel prize, because this is big stuff. Are you ready?

Instead of El Nino, I’ve discovered a more catastrophic and detrimental effect on the world. El Flava

This is the national crisis we should all be worried about. I can’t remember, was he the first to do this, or is it because the resulting show(s) got him such hott, sexy, female compan– ok, I’m sorry, I can’t complete that statement because my momma taught me not to lie.

Please excuse me while I go vom in a viking hat…

Here are just a few people that have sought love on reality show(s):

Yet another reason to keep me from wearing a “I [heart] NY” shirt

Dear Brett Michaels, if it didn’t work out the first two seasons, the third one will be an EPIC FAIL too [P.S. with that fake tan and duck face, you look like you belong in Jersey Shore]

You don’t know who this charming guy is? Yea most people dont.

Brokeback Mountain from the ‘hood?

Speaking of Tequila, you’d need about 4 handles to ever find this attractive.

This klassy gal got her portraits done at the local Wal-Mart supercenter. You can find this exact photo on peopleofwalmart.com I believe.

and most recently this guy. The show is actually called Ochocinco: The Ultimate Catch the ultimate catch for what, gynasyphaherpecrab [guy-nuh-syph-uh-hurp-uh-crab if you were trying to pronounce it]?

This guy has taken it over the top though. He originally changed his last name to ochocinco so it would be written on the back of his jersey [kind of weird, but hey he’s spirited], but with his new show instead of choosing 10 or 20 girls to sleep with date, he chose 85 [read: EIGHTY-FIVE]. Dude, I get it, you don’t know how to count higher than 10 in real life, but you feel special that you have such a big number on your shirt but seriously? SERIOUSLY? Someone please release the hot air in his head before he flies away.

That ^ folks, is the greatest danger known to man. We must put an end to this, but how?

I Have Nothing to Say

but wanted to post anyways so I’ll be short and sweet. You know this commercial:

I absolutely love it, and I know they’re hamsters, but I have a story to share.

Long ago, when I was a wee little ankle-biter of a child, I don’t remember where I was but there were gerbils. Apparently they squeak, or talk, or quote Shakespearean plays and my dad wanted me to hear it. While he held on to the little chew toy furry thing I tried to listen. I didn’t hear anything. He told me to get closer so I did. Thats when that little furry window cleaner BIT MY EAR!!! It was painful, but I don’t think I cried. Since then, I’ve been gunshy near those little suckers as well as hamsters because of my traumatic experience.

That being said, if I could get singing and dancing hamsters like that, I think I could put all this negativity behind me.

The Stupidity is Strong With This One

Look I get it, I work at a candy store in the mall, the aptitude level of most of my customers is quite low. I DO expect, though, at least some common sense and to not pop off an attitude because you’re insecure.

An older woman was in the store tonight and stood herself right in front of the shelf where the boxes and bags were. She asked about the boxes, we told her they were an additional 69 cents so she walks up to the register with TWO SCOOPS FULL OF JELLY BEANS and says “Well, I’m not paying extra for the box” We showed her the bags she was just looking at and said “Oh, well I want to get more now”

I Bite My Thumb At You!

I have devastating news internets. I, the most INTERESTING PERSON IN THE WORLD [but I don’t drink Dos XX]

was called lame-o because I do not update my blog! SHOCKING -claims New York Times. APPALLING – writes Siskell and Ebert. WHERE IS MY HOTDOG – shouts Pinky and the Brain

Dear friend. Some of us are not lounging around eating bon bons with our veggie-hating son. Us childless folk HAVE time to procrastinate and so we do 🙂 Jay-Kay! I lub ewe!

I did get an awesome idea from her blog. She did Stick Figure Saturday, but seeing as how I probably won’t be consistant, I’ll just do Stick Figure Today. Today’s stick figure story is a recap of my vacation [which will have to do, since I’m pretty sure a whopping six pictures were taken during the entire time there].

It all starts on Sunday morning. I was AMPED to go on vacation. BEACH HERE I COME!!!

Three hours into the nine hour trip, I.was.dying. I can not sit still, especially in a car so being cramped up not moving absolutely slayed me. I didn’t even do any of the driving.

Finally we were there, and immediately we went on a boat trip. EPIC FAIL on my behalf, but my little bubble says “I’m on a boat!!! Ooh look, DOLPHINS!!!” Outside of Flipper and Sea World, I had never seen dolphins in their natural habitat. It was AWESOME!!! We jumped in the water for a bit, and my lack of swimming skills again came to bite me in the ass. Good news though, I’m the doggie paddle CHAMPION! We watched fireworks. On the boat. The fireworks were launched over the bay. It was gorgeous I, however, forgot to add this into my stick figure story 😦 Once we got back to the house, us hooligan kids [including two cops] decided we needed to hop the fence to the pool and hot tub and chill. It was cool and fun, until I informed the boys of a crab I saw. They threw it into the hot tub with us, I screamed and hopped out like a girl.

The next day, us girls [including Giselle and her sister] decided we’d lay out by the pool to tan. I was already tan, so they gave me a challenge. Can you read it? I hope so.

Two to three hours later, their challenge went horribly wrong. I got eleventy-billion shades darker [even with using SPF85]

Once the boys woke up we went to the beach. All was fun and dandy except the waves which were a direct effect from the storm we narrowly missed out on before the vacation and the other storm we narrowly missed out on when we left the vacation. They were killer evil waves which caused us to topple over, lose our footing, and fear hand waves started at sports events.

After the killer waves, we stayed pretty down low and relaxed, so not a lot of exciting things happened. THEN it was time to leave. I DID NOT WANT TO LEAVE.

It made me sad. I’m still sad. I enjoy vacations. I especially enjoyed this one and hopefully the beach and I will get reaquainted soon.

So THERE dear friend. Take THAT and a little of this too

Until next time, stay thirsty my friends!